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Something that so dimly lights my way

So, in the months of trying to put a simple life back together, I seem to come to some grips of what a life should hold. I am sensing that what I want and what I need are two things that are very much the same and very much two totally different things at the same time. I need to set my life back to what will make me better and what will have a chance of getting me out of the shutters I was having in the middle of the night. Insomnia was something that helped and hindered me in these months. I have dealt with a bunch of complexities that worked both for and against me. My insomnia helped and hindered me because it made me think of all the things I have 

To a world so dark

I can't see from the bottom of this ocean I have found myself in. I look up and yet it is a black as onyx. I have no idea as to how I got to this point. I want two different things at the same time. I am drowning in thought and I can't get myself out of it. I can't reason myself out of this now. And I don't know how to do it otherwise. I see two different prizes but should I go for one and lose the other. In this game that I am playing with my emotions, I am gambling if I take one, I don't know if I can handle being around the other. I love one, but just like the idea of the other. Sometimes this same thought can go to the other and I am in shambles. What can I do, I can't really talk to anyone about this because I have no one close enough that understands the thought patterns of me. I am scared I am nervous I am excited I am tired all at once and have no idea as to how I am going to fix this. I need a fix I need a sign. I need help.

A New Twist in things

So in a surprising and exciting turn of my pursuing one person I am smack with a chance at someone else that I am totally excited about. I want to express my surprise in a more in depth manner but I am nervous that if I do such that this possibility will cease to exist and will shoot back in my face negatively and I won't have this anymore. So I will leave this blog very short and very petite in the hopes that later wishes I will achieve what I dream and am so happy about.

My life now

I think that the situation that I am now is getting a little bit clearer. I am able to see what I want now and how I am going to take it. Because, I am the type of person that if I want something, I will get it. So here I go team.

These thoughts of mine

So recently I have tried to center myself to empty my thoughts and fill my mind with nothing but beautiful sounds of music. And quite frankly I have yet to feel down. I am feeling nothing but myself, and it's been a very long time since I have felt this way. I am able to control the urges I had previously. This is some kind of humorous, its like I completed the 12 step program. But this feels good. I am closer to myself then I have been in years and I love it. I just have to figure out what I am going to do about the relationship I kind of left in shambles. Maybe on another day will I have the courage to confront or to just let it slip. Who knows?

Its Complicated

 The things that I do to myself. I don't know what I want, or who I want. I am in a place of torment, a place of purgatory. What am I going to do. I am doing this unintentionally intentionally to myself. I did this on purpose without knowing that it was on purpose. Was it the right decision? I am trying my hardest to give it time to develop so I can tell if it is the right or the wrong. I am just worried as to why I keep doing this to my mental state. One day, if not very soon I am going to end up a crazy person because of the things I do to myself.

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Writer's Block: If I could find my way

If you could turn back time, how far back would you go?

I don't much know how far I would turn back time, but I know I would. I would start in many directions and see with each one where they would take me and if I didn't like the end result of current and present days it would lead me, I would reverse it. I am not saying in the moment in time I fully regret the things I have, but some I do regret. Every person regrets some current and past actions and some more then others. And a person who says that they don't is a liar. I do wish that I could reverse time and make current small decisions and remake others. I would love to replay other memories over and over again. All in all, I believe that we would still arrive in the same position that we are in now sooner or later. But hey who knows

Start the Revolution START IT NOW

FInd it within yourself to find your truiest and purest passion in live. FInd it in yourself what you want the world to change. What would it be? Something selfish, something that would bring up your own self worth. What would happen if that was what everyone does? Wait, that is already happening, America is becoming so bastardized to where no one cares about their neighbors, even really their loved ones, enough to do a thing for them. Or would your dream to change America for the better, and after America was safe from pain and hunger for righteousness, would you move to other countries and other little places where people starve while we only get fatter. They die because they don't have the right nutrients or have the knowledge to bring their resources together to get the right ones. What would you do if you were ripped away from all of your things, all of your money, your ability to have a job, a job that actually paid more than 3 dollars a day, your food, your place of comfort thru heating and cooling, your flowing water. What would you do? What would you do to create yourself to the point you were here? Would you do anything to eat? To see your family again, your friends? To eat a good meal, would you know how to get all the things in the woods? I wouldn't. I want to change the world. What needs to be done? What needs do I need to meet to change the world. I see families dying in America just to get ahead of their bills. I see good strong men and women dying to protect us, yet we bash, old and new presidents just because they don't know how to say certain words, or they are too clever with their words and hide their real meaning.  We need a new infostructure of governmental procedures to build up our country to where there is no hunger, no pain, no paying 3000 dollars a month for pills we need to live when we make only 2000 a month. I need help who is in it with me? I need to start this revolution to end pain. Start it now


My mind wonders

To the worlds I left behind. To the far off lands I mingled in and laid my weary head. I sometimes forget in my dreams of that beautiful place that these are just dreams of an old me and a far off place. I wish I may I wish I might someday create a better remembrance. I am creating them now really. With Kristin. I enjoy it.


To control your mind is to see your surroundings in the purest forms and in them their every need. To control your mind is to put your desires behind you and to see what your world needs. I am reading a book called “The Teachings of Buddha” because I am highly intrigued by their religion and their philosophy. I am also reading this book to see in it the similarities it has with Christianity. Other than Buddhism having no form of Deity, the ideas are quite similar with Christianity. God through the bible taught me that to create a selfless being is to look to heaven and worship God. This creation will not be instant for the fact that I know that I will not always want someone telling me what I can and cannot do. But this creation will be in the least the most fulfilling thing to ever accomplish. I am on this journey, because I have for so many years been the receiver of God’s blessings thru people and it is in the purest form of this world my turn to return the favor for God and the place I live. So I am on my journey to controlling my mind from earthly and devilish temptation by putting God first. I have already started. I know with God, I will be able to continue with great reward and great victory. Here's to a fruitful life